and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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