true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
