Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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