I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
