I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
