You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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