Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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