I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize