I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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