So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
