he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
