My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize