Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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