i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
