Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
