As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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