don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
