Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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