Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
