Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
