Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
