smell my finger.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
