Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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