he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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