But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
