I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i think i just lost a toe
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
