I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
