plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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