I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
