it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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