I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
