Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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