yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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