Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
