every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My ass is underappreciated
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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