I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
