I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
