How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Randomize
