The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
