Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
