I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
