I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
