I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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