I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I fill condoms, not promises.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
