I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
