She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
