I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
