I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sorry about my life...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
tell me about the eggs
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