Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
