so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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