I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize