can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize