Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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