i need an iv and a liver transplant
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize