even my farts smell like vagina
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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