So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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