I didn't shave. On purpose
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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